Space
My favourite type of office is the large, bright modern type. You know the kind I mean, all key fobs and coffee vending machines and everything is either glass or Teflon.
On the whole, the sleek uniformity of the corporate working environment tends to be a bit unpopular. At best it can be described as impersonal and, at worst, a bit sinister. However big offices are the best kind, for one simple reason. When you are at work in a big office you can pretend you are in space.
Here’s my top ten tips for pretending your office is a spaceship.
Ask your boss for a wireless headset. Then you can pretend that you are Captain Scarlett or, if you prefer, Madonna every time you answer the phone. The effect is better enhanced if you stare into the middle distance when using your headset and say things like “This is Leitenant Caracha, Captain, I’m on the bridge and they’re coming straight for us!”
Every time you open or close a door make Shhhhp noises, like the doors do in space programmes on the telly, or in any normal Gloucestershire property.
Every time you walk out of the main entrance without wearing a space suit pretend that you are suffocating from a lack of oxygen.
Equally, every time anyone else tries to walk out of the main entrance, rugby tackle them to the floor and scream “Don’t go out without a space suit, you’ll die out there!”
When in the canteen order weird futuristic sounding spacey type food, like “a star bun” or “an atmosphere sandwich”
When you get your food look at it dubiously and ask why is it not shrink wrapped in foil packaging.
Wear a goldfish bowl on your head and moon walk up and down the corridor.
Walk into other people’s offices and ask them if anyone knows where the Atomising Hydrogen Chamber is.
Chat up boys at work by asking them to show you more of this Earth thing called kissing.
Next time you order anything from a vending machine, pretend that it is an alien being left over from an ancient civil war and sent through time by a war lord to infiltrate your spaceship disguised as a packet of Hula Hoops and the minute it is released from the machine it attacks your neck, pinging you screaming to the floor.
We've been given a whole load of 'money-off' schemes via work this week, my favourate being getting a sculptra face lift. Birmingham branch is where I'd have to go to make myself look
young and beautiful again! Well lets face it, we can't all be as beautiful as I am!